My sweet mother has been hounding me about another blog post and I will say, it has been a while. But that isn't without effort. The last few weeks have been quite difficult, actually, with a sudden move, three day-long migraine, neck and spine issues, and trying ever so hard to remain present, I. Am. Tired. So to reconcile my digital silence, I'll share with you all some thoughts over the weeks that I spilled out on a few pages of my journal.
9/17/18 There is so much, yet so little going in and out of my mind. I know I have needed this time to journal and process, but now that I'm here, it feels almost impossible. My body is tired and hurting, and I just don't know what to do. I don't quite feel like myself, because all of the things that have made me who I am in my past aren't with me in the present. Czech. Pottery. Music. A home. Though difficult, I am seeking gratitude. To be raw, unrequited, a little crazy, and feeling like there is nothing to lose can be a mighty strong potion to fuel the future. Or at least that's what I've heard.
Regret has been my kryptonite in this season full of resting in the unknowns. Maybe I wouldn't be here if I had gone to college, or taken the job in Czech Republic, or up and moved to Seattle or NYC. Maybe I should have stayed at that job longer, or left that one sooner, or taken the other one. If I had not done this or that thing, maybe I would have been married to that person...It doesn't help. In fact, just writing it down makes my hands shake. I really don't know how to be easy on myself, or give myself the benefit of the doubt that my decisions were best for me, then. So, my little Baby Step this week is going to be learning to trust my intuition, and running with it. I ask so many opinions of so many people, people I adore, truly. But I ask so many that I forget to ask myself those questions.
9/19/18 After a pow-wow with mom, and some of dad's wine and chicken ajeu, I feel better. All that needed to happen was space to voice the dreams I have, truly and deeply rooted in my soul, to another human. Mom and dad are great listeners, and so my dreams really don't scare them. They know the audacious nature of my being.
Flowers, veggies, apiary, poultry. At least three long dark wood picnic tables under large oak trees for the guests I dream of hosting. A small studio in the back for ceramics. Guest quarters, greenhouse. A stream running through the land to water the livestock, bees, and could be diverted to make a neat little pond.
So many dreams have popped into my head, ones that I truly thought would be the end-all-be-all. And though this dream also has the potential to fade, it feels the most true to who I am. Someone who wants to grow beautiful things, feed people, and create a tranquil and lovely place for anyone to enjoy. I can't be thinking of the millions of dollars it would take to do such a thing. But I am excited to see it come around full circle one day. Farming has been a part of the Obrecht family lineage since at least the 16th century. And though it has skipped a generation, I would have no problem picking it up and continuing the legacy. Back-breaking work, and deep-rooted pride.
With my three week long trip to see some distant relatives in Switzerland only a week and a half away, I am excited to have time and space to meditate on all of the things I've surrendered in my mind and soul. The wine harvest came early this year (which was the whole reason for going in October), due to a hot mid-summer, and rainy end. At first I was quite disappointed, but this gives me more time to help cousin B with the farm. Cows, pigs, sheep, and more. This will be a great time to truly live what I wrote above, and see if I'm made for it. Three weeks of farming, here I come.